a necessary record

this feels forced. but i need a record. i want this for when i’m older. when i’m settled down. when my worldly possessions aren’t boxed and stored in my parents’ basement. for when i’m not in transition. for when i’m home. at last.

but i may also need this record for when i’m moving again. when i’m cleaning out another cheap and cozy apartment, where every nick in the paint and spot on the floor is a memory. for when i find those old notes, letters, postcards. for when i box up the snapshots from parties and quiet evenings alike.

i don’t want to forget for a moment what it feels like to be on the cusp of something like this. something like a new life in a new place. to feel the sadness of so many goodbyes and the excitement of a country unknown. to feel the force of all things passed propelling me towards…whatever comes next.

i’m almost afraid to write it out. i’m moving to mexico – in nine days. if anything could keep me here, i know it would be worth it. i have searched my heart and found that i could be content with photo albums full of just your faces, dear friends and family.

but if the path is made clear, i am also ready for new sights, new sounds, new people and new language.

either way, i’ll be thankful.

harder, better, faster, stronger

2007 was surprising. so much happened and it could have all been so lonely and scary and bad...but it wasn't. i could have been so sad and cynical and stuck...but i wasn't. and i'm still trying to figure out why.

perhaps it was the strength i saw in others. friends (and sister!) getting married, having children, moving away to far off places, changing jobs, earning degrees. across the miles i relished watching friends chase dreams and conquer obstacles. loneliness was curbed by the dear postal service - dozens of care packages and letters sent and received. many miles logged in the air and on the highways. phone calls made he world feel less vast even when voices cracked and faltered.

this year was the first time i didn't live with family or a best friend. and it didn't suck! i was seriously shocked to find that an evening at home that didn't involve hours of conversation and end in either a dance-party or a sing-along could be enjoyable. and productive (not that working on those booty-drops isn't productive...because it totally is.)

even while i observed huge changes in my friends' lives, from what sometimes felt like afar, very near to me - right in my own heart and spirit - changes were being made. i was getting stronger. 2007 was a year that nurtured the parts of me that i always saw as weak. i had the time and the energy to reflect, to stand up for myself, to learn about myself, to see my flaws and seek improvement. not to mention, learn how to play doctor mario, finally be called a feminist, host a weekly discussion night, and join a band.

as this year leaves i’m thankful for friends who are honest and open and striving to be kind, positive and compassionate people. they inspire me. i’m grateful for a home base that is always nourishing to my mind, body and spirit. i love knowing i can always depend on the fam. and i’m surprised (pleasantly) at discovering the real possibility of who i can be if i am humble, watchful and open enough to let myself be taught, challenged and changed.

god has made us friends

recently, i’ve been attending church with my grandmother in lincoln. she doesn’t drive and the only church within walking distance is a baptist one, which my grandmother walked to for a couple of weeks but later confided in me that she would be more comfortable at a lutheran church since she has always been lutheran.

so i found a church near her place and we’ve been going the past couple of weeks.

i don’t think either of us is completely comfortable there. and we may continue our search. our main complaint is the music. grandma misses the organ. and i miss … um … songs that kind of make sense.

most of the songs they sing are fairly up-tempo. they seem to fall into the category of modern hymns. each one is printed in the “worship folder.” and the copy right dates are never earlier than 1980s.

my favorite one so far was called, “god has made us friends.”

the verses were something like, “shout it to the mountains! shout it to the valleys! GOD HAS MADE US FRIENDS!!”

then they started getting really crazy.

“shout it to the hungry! shout it to the wealthy! shout it on the email!"

i'm not even kidding. it seriously said, “shout it on the email."

there is so much going on here that i really don’t know where to start. i mean, first of all, who am i friends with? and why am i shouting about it?

during the song, i envisioned myself approaching a homeless person and shouting, "GOD HAS MADE US FRIENDS!"

i guess i should just get their email address and then email them that god has made us friends. that might be more… normal. i should use caps lock for emphasis.

god has made us friends! me and all the homeless people with internet access!!

it’s a magical world. i think i should shout it all over the email. heck, i’ll put it on my blog.



* i will say that the congregation at this church is very friendly and loving. they’re always hugging each other and smiling. they also seem very involved in the community. i’m sure it’s a great church. maybe just not the right place for me and grandma.

older and wiser

my parents are two of my favorite people. they are talented, smart and hilarious. and seriously, the most caring people i know.

they are also getting older.

last weekend, we all enjoyed some family time out at mahoney. most of the time was spent playing games, watching football and eating.

during a particularly expressive game, i was placed on a team with my parents and uncle.

i spent most of the game herding them into the playing area. getting them ready for our turn.

mom would constantly be adjusting her glasses and asking my dad, “can you see? can you see alright?”

my dad would then dutifully adjust his glasses, so his bifocals wouldn’t get in his way.

at a critical moment in the game, mom was again shouting at dad to make sure he could see.

“can you see? CAN YOU SEE?!”

dad replied with labored breathing and frantic head-turning, “yes! yes, I can see! but… WHAT ARE WE LOOKING AT??!!”

later, during a sedated card game, dad leans over the table towards me with a serious look on his face and asks, “have you ever heard of a group called…boys to men?”

they make me laugh. sometimes hysterically.

but they are also the first people i go to for advice and encouragement. i save every email from my mom and every note from my dad. because i know that there is wisdom there for me to fall back on - albeit, wisdom NOT involving motown philly pop sensations. for that? i must look elsewhere.

kc offers valuable life lesson

i was in kansas city last weekend seeing an amazing band give an amazing performance while i danced like a fool in the aisles. it was a very good time.

at one point during the weekend, my travel companions and i found ourselves at a 24-hour diner stuffing our faces with fried foods galore. there were many interesting people at this diner, including one man with a hat that had a very large taxidermized bird attached to it. and when i write "very large," i mean, like, pheasant size.

on our way out to the car, i noticed that a red pick-up had blocked my little hyundai into our spot. it was going to take some serious maneuvering to get out of the parking lot. one of my more enthusiastic companions readily jumped out of our car to help me navigate out of the spot. he kept shouting things like, "okay! good! easy! now....CUT IT. CUT IT DEEP!"

he might as well have been speaking another language because i do not know what he was talking about.

after about 10 minutes of me basically backing up and pulling forward in to and partially out of the same parking space, my other level-headed friend decided to go back into the diner and find the pick-up's driver.

by this point we were all a little annoyed and ready to be home and in bed. it was well after midnight and the pounds of grease that we had just consumed were making us incredibly sleepy.

so my friend marches back into the diner and walks up to the first table she sees.

"excuse me. do any of you drive a huge, red pick-up truck?"

the table erupts in laughter - really loud, like she's asked them something totally ridiculous. picture tears being wiped away and lot of sighing when the laughter finally dies down.

*whew. o. man. that was a good one. you joker, you.*

in confusion, she pauses to observe the people at the table. and that's when she realized it was a table full of drag queens.

apparently drag queens don't drive huge, red pick-up trucks. who knew?